If I had You
by IcePrinceLokiofAO3
Summary: When Loki fell into the void he left many broken hearts behind. Indeed everyone mourned for him. Fandral just had more reason to mourn for Loki.


Breakfast was proving to be a solemn affair with everyone subdued in the absence of the trickster prince. Loki had fallen into the void a week ago and the whole kingdom missed him and his tricks, it was amazing to Thor how dull life was without his brother. It was even more amazing to see how many people did care for Loki. Every day there were hundreds of peasants from the town coming to give kind words to the royal family and share intimate stories about their experiences with Loki.

Thor listened avidly to the people who spoke so reverently about a life the royal family had no idea Loki lived. Who would have thought Loki would go to play with the children? Or leave money with the families after spending the night with them? Who would have imagined that Loki had such a gentle soul?

Certainly not Thor. He had always found Loki to be hardened and separate from his feelings. It made the pain of losing Loki even worse, the thought that Thor knew less than he should have about the younger prince.

Frigga and Odin were silently eating their meals and Thor found his appetite greatly diminished as he observed them discreetly. Frigga had shifted her chair a little away from Odin's but Thor doubted the king had noticed.

'She blames him.' he thought sadly.

Down the table lady Sif and Volstagg were having a staring competition and Hogun was watching closely to see who won. They continued with life as though nothing had changed and it irked Thor a little to see how his friends felt about Loki. They too stood and listened as the people came to speak about Loki with the AllParents but clearly they were unmoved.

Fandral was nowhere to be seen and had in fact been missing since Thor had told him of Loki's death. He had only appeared a handful of times to listen to the people. It was odd that the charming warrior was nowhere to be found and Thor turned to his other friends to enquire.

"Is Fandral still in the healing chambers?"

Sif turned to look at him and shrugged. "I doubt it, Eir is very good about patching up injuries from fire and Loki's tricks."

Hogun nodded calmly. "He is probably with a maiden trying to be charming."

Volstagg frowned. "I saw him last night at a tavern, he looked a bit down in the dumps but I think he may have been drunk anyway."

That was interesting, Thor felt angry with Sif and Hogun on Fandral's behalf, but what Volstagg had to say stopped Thor from reprimanding them. He stood and strode out of the dining hall to find his friend. He wanted to beat the daylights out of his friends for being so crass about Loki's death but he had to find Fandral, the man couldn't have just vanished.

'Ah I know!' Thor turned around quickly and went in the direction of the private training rooms. Only Fandral was allowed, out of all of Thor's friends, to use these rooms because the others always trashed them.

Indeed Fandral was there, swinging his sword to cut into the wooden dummy.

'The last wooden dummy by the looks of things.' Thor realised as he looked at the other hacked up training tools.

"Fandral my friend if father sees what you have done to this room he will ban you!" Thor grinned at his friend jokingly but Fandral scowled.

Thor felt his smile slip and he approached Fandral again. "What is it my friend? What troubles you?"

Fandral stopped hacking at the dummy and sheathed his sword, he walked over to a bench and Thor followed. They sat in silence until Fandral found his voice.

"Loki is what troubles me."

"Why is that, you and he weren't close to my knowledge?" Thor stared in confusion and mild alarm at Fandral and the other man rested his elbows on his knees then his face on his hands.

"That's the problem Thor." Fandral said with a humourless smile. "We never got close."

Thor was confused and he frowned blankly at Fandral. The younger male watched him silently waiting for Thor to understand.

Suddenly it clicked.

"You uh….you mean you-?" Thor didn't know what to say, this was so unexpected.

"Fancied Loki? Yes." Fandral sighed as he looked down at his knees.

"Oh…." Thor said uncertainly. "I never knew, I'm sorry…"

"No don't be." Fandral heaved in a deep breath and sat up straight to rest against the wall. "It's not like I went telling everyone."

Thor didn't know what to say so he just sat waiting for Fandral to speak.

"I never told him either. I was going to tell him while everyone feasted at your coronation…I was going to take him into the garden he so loves, the one with all the blue bells, and I was going to ask if I could court his affections." Fandral seemed so despondent as he said all of this and Thor felt his heart ache.

Fandral laughed bitterly. "I keep telling myself there was nothing I could have done to prevent what has happened but I know I am to blame. I should have stopped him from going to Jotunheim with us. I should have said something."

"No, Fandral the fault was mine, I led us into Jotunheim and what has happened to Loki is my burden and mine alone. Do not blame yourself, grieve for the loss of your love but don't hurt yourself for playing the minor role that you did. Loki wouldn't want you to punish yourself." Thor put an arm around Fandral's shoulders and rubbed his friends arm.

"It's not that easy Thor. I finally had the courage to tell him and now I never will get that chance. If I had the courage to tell him years ago when this began we might be married now And Loki might be happy!"

Thor was at a loss, he didn't know what to do. There was one idea but he wasn't sure it would be a good one. 'What would Loki say to an upset friend? Think Thor!'

"Fandral I am going to the bridge tonight and I will be there for a long time, perhaps if you accompany me you can speak to Loki of your feelings and resolve them? Write a letter for him and throw it into the void?"

Fandral looked at him. "You would take me to the bridge knowing how I feel about Loki? You trust me to control myself?"

"I do." Thor replied confidently. "You need to speak to Loki and he deserves to know about your feelings. Say you will come with me?"

Fandral nodded slowly with a small smile. "Thank you Thor, I should go and start writing." The younger man stood slowly and Thor stood too.

They embraced and Fandral left the training room. Thor left shortly thereafter and went to Loki's room.

Now he sat again on Loki's bed with a pillow wrapped in his arms, and Fandral was sitting at Loki's desk looking around the room.

"I have never been in here before." Fandral told Thor finally. "I wanted the first time I saw this room to be the first time that I kissed Loki or held him or-"

Fandral cut himself off with a shake of his head. "Never mind," he said softly. "I never stood a chance anyway."

"Let's go to the bridge." Thor replied gently. "You need to heal my friend."

When they arrived at the end of the bridge Thor sent Heimdall away so that they could be alone.

Fandral drew the letter out of his coat pocket and read it to himself once before folding it again and dropping it into the void. He exhaled nervously and watched it fall until it disappeared, just like Loki.

Thor felt a lump in his throat as he watched it fall, he had to be strong for Fandral, he couldn't cry now. He turned to the other man and wrapped his arms around him comfortingly.

"It will get better."

Fandral sobbed in Thor's shoulder for the better part of the night.

Frigga was sitting on her balcony sewing a vest when a soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Queen Frigga, may I speak with you?"

She turned quickly to see the young Lord Fandral standing nervously in the archway.

"Of course, please sit." She set her sewing down and gestured him into a seat across the table from her.

"What is it you want to discuss with me?" Fandral hadn't spoken to her about personal things since he was a young adolescent, and she could tell this would be a personal talk.

"Uhm I wondered if you might tell me about Loki. Did he ever say anything about me to you?" He rubbed his hands nervously and Frigga felt her curiosity rising.

She searched her memories trying to think of a time Loki had said anything about Fandral. There was one time.

*Flashback Starts* "Fandral gave it to me." Loki said with a smile as Frigga examined the beautiful hair clip. It was black metal of some sort with emeralds set in a floral pattern. It was stunning and Frigga smiled as she handed it back to her sixteen year old son.

"Well that was very kind of him, did he say why he was giving it to you?"

Loki shook his head. "No he said it was a just because gift to thank me for showing him my magic the other day. But it is odd, he keeps giving me gifts, and they are always so thoughtful."

Frigga smiled suddenly understanding a little better and stroked his hair. "Well I'm sure he has a reason and he will share it with you eventually."

Loki smiled wistfully. "Yes I suppose he has a reason. I'm not complaining though." He laughed sheepishly and blushed. "It's just that I kind of feel like I understand courting now, not that Fandral would court me."*Flashback ends*

"Yes he did mention you gifting him around his sixteenth summer."

Fandral leaned forward eagerly. "What did he say?"

"That it was like being courted but that you wouldn't court him."

Fandral frowned and sat back.

"Fandral is there something you want to share with me?"

"My queen I have been in love with Loki for a long time, I realise I can no longer pursue him but I need to discuss this to move on."

"Of course you do child, but that is why I am here. Tell me of your story." Frigga sat back and listened patiently as Fandral repeated his story to her, the same that he had told Thor.

When he finished Fandral watched her expectantly and she gazed thoughtfully at the training field below where Thor was running the soldiers through a harsh program.

"I am not angry with you for having feelings for Loki, Fandral, however I must say that I am not certain it would be good for you to return to the bridge again. If you act on your feelings instead of overcoming them you put your life at risk and I cannot condone that."

Fandral took her hands desperately. "I will be with Thor the whole time when I am there, he wouldn't let anything happen! Please my queen, do not forbid me from going!"

"Hush child, I am not forbidding you, I am warning you. If you love Loki you will restrain yourself while you are there and you will not put yourself in danger." She stared seriously into his eyes and he nodded agreeably.

"Anything my queen anything….."


End file.
